“Hey ref, check your woicemails! You missed some calls!” Remember that one? Of course you do, because you saw that Dunkin’ Donuts commercial seven bajillion times during last season’s Stanley Cup Playoffs.
Every postseason, there ends up being a cycle of about eight commercials in total that eventually make you want to rip your television off the wall and throw it out the window. By the time Lord Stanley’s Cup is finally lifted, you’re actually less likely to buy a product from whichever company has appeared most frequently during your months-long hockey binge. At that point, even the mere sight of a brand’s logo can trigger dark and painful memories of commercial breaks past.
If I hear the Five-Dollar Footlong song one more time, I’m never eating another- OH, THERE IT IS! It’s on my TV again. Ok, never eating at Subway.
**Editor’s note: Just kidding. I swore off Subway long ago.
Without further ado, here is the official countdown of the most annoying commercials being played during the 2020 Stanley Cup Playoffs.
6. Paul Miss-the-Net? – New Amsterdam Vodka
The jury is very much out on whether or not this one is actually annoying. It was mentioned on this week’s Sound of Hockey as an irksome commercial candidate by one of my co-hosts, which is why it landed on this list. Frankly, though, I think it’s pretty funny. It gets bonus points for the fact that it actually features former NHLers doing NHL-looking things, while engaging in NHL-sounding on-ice banter.
The only thing that the Spittin’ Chiclets hosts have working against them here is that their ad is getting played way too frequently. If you see a commercial once, you see it a thousand times, but in this case, we’ve actually seen the commercial a thousand times.
5. Some Sort of NHL/NHL Network/NHL.tv Commercial Featuring a Bunch of Players Getting Asked Really Bizarre Interview Questions
I can’t find a link to this one, but it’s the one where Max Domi, with slicked back hair and a poorly lit background, chuckles and says, “I was pretty spoiled. I had an Audi A5 as my first car. Hahaha!” Then Andrei Vasilevskiy surmises that if he could have any first name, he would choose Sylvester. Hey, give the guy some credit. Nickname? Big Cat? Sylvester the Cat? Get it?
This one may fly under the radar for a lot of readers because not everyone has NHL.tv, and from what I can gather, this only aired there (and maybe on NHL Network?). For those of us that were watching the Qualifying Round on the app, though, we saw this commercial enough times in a week to last us a lifetime.
NHL.tv seems to only have a cycle of about two or three house-made commercials that they play on repeat at every break. And every year, those two or three commercials will drive you absolutely bonkers by your third time viewing them.
To be honest, I’m glad I can’t watch games on the app beyond the Qualifying Round, because if I could, I know my TV would eventually be smashed to bits. This one would land much higher on the list, if we weren’t already rescued from it via everything now being blacked out on the app.
4. Marc-Andre Fleury and Mark Stone Getting Silly with an iPhone – Apple
This one falls right in that same vein as the New Amsterdam commercial. If you were to see this one a few times, you’d think, Oh, that’s a fun commercial. Look at these fun-loving hockey players, just acting like fun little kids on the ice. I should go get the new iPhone. That would be fun.
And then you see it for the fifth time. And then you see it for the tenth time. And then you start to really notice that person whistling in the song. And then you can’t unhear that whistle. And then it’s the only thing you notice the second this commercial comes on. And then you’ve decided that you’ll never buy another iPhone as long as you live.
3. Martin Brodeur Lost His Cup – Enterprise
First off, why does Martin Brodeur seem to rent cars so frequently? He’s arguably the most successful goalie of all time. Doesn’t he have cars of his own? Second, why is the Stanley Cup his first guess at which cup he’s missing? The Stanley Cup is CLEARLY SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM WHILE HE’S ON THE PHONE WITH THE ENTERPRISE REP! Third, why do they have to make Martin seem so conceited? Who just drives around with that many trophies in a rental car? I think less of him as a human being every time I see this ad.
The thing that’s most bothersome about this commercial, though, is that sometimes a joke can work, even when you know the punchline. But in this case, we know the punchline, and it isn’t a funny punchline.
Yeah, we know it’s his f***ing coffee cup that’s missing! Just say that from the beginning when he picks up the phone, and then we don’t have to play this stupid f***ing charade during every commercial break!
2. Following Her Dreams Into Taxidermy – Geico
Woof. This one could easily have taken the pole position, but was saved by the fact that if you could watch it only once, you might think that it’s a decent and perhaps even chuckle-inducing spot.
But you haven’t watched this commercial only one time, have you? I don’t even need to include the video for you to know which one I’m talking about (though I’m still including it), do I?
Poor Idina. Poor, poor, stinking rich and pretty famous Idina.
She couldn’t have known how many times they were going to play this ad when she signed on to do this. If she had, she would have realized that she was potentially losing thousands of fans by participating, and no popular recording artist/Broadway star/Frozen voice actress in their right mind would take that risk. Alas, it has happened, and now I’m done with Idina, just like I’m never buying any kind of insurance from Geico, even if switching actually saves me 20%.
As an aside, remember when John Travolta introduced her at the Academy Awards as “the Wickedly talented Adele Dazeem?” That was the Idina (or Adele) that I once knew and loved. Bring back Adele Dazeem!
HE READ THAT WRONG, OH YEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!
1. Five… Five Dollar… Five Dollar Footlooong! – Subway
I. Cannot. Believe. Subway. Is. Still. Using. This. Campaign.
Where Idina Menzel saved herself by at least signing on to do a spot that’s semi-tolerable in small doses, Charlie Puth made a deal with the devil by signing on with Subway. He knew exactly what he was getting himself into when he agreed to sit down in front of a Casio keyboard and sing the worst jingle of a generation.
Remember this Subway “commercial” from Happy Gilmore? Well, never have I wanted to tee up a Cold Cut Combo like Happy and launch it into somebody’s sandwich hole more than I do when Charlie appears on my screen.
I’m not even convinced he works at Subway! He literally had a number 1 hit five years ago, and now he’s a sandwich artist that sings this godawful jingle on the side? I DOUBT IT!
They should just use that Happy Gilmore commercial as their actual commercial in perpetuity.
Anyway, congratulations, Charlie. Most hockey fans seemed to have no idea who you were before, but now that they do know who you are, they will hate you forever.